New Year, New....what?

First of all Happy New Year to everyone!!! (seems to be the thing to say over the past couple days ^__^ )


I haven't been blogging much lately because I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself and the people around me. Honestly I wish I could stop overthinking sometimes because it would give me that much more time to LIVE. And I don't like myself when I think because I get some really mean thoughts that only exacerbate the feelings I find within myself. And who the hell really wants to be mean and coldhearted??

Truthfully speaking I don't trust many people. I wish it was something I could get over easily but I can't. I'll be honest in saying that I got myself here by shutting myself down. Logic behind that being if you don't care about anyone or let them get close then they can't hurt you right?? Well that don't work. Now it's getting kinda tough to open myself up again. So far this year I've done that with one person and that's the person I've been relying on when I get really down. However it gets kinda dangerous to rely on one person so consistently. But like I said it's tough being open with other people. For one thing I hate to appear weak and I can see that translating itself to my facial expressions. My face doesn't seem to fall into a smile that easily anymore. I wish I could be softer. I wish I could be in a room with a bunch of people and still not feel desperately alone. :s

I'm constantly looking over my shoulder because I'm sure ppl are talking about me behind my back. You know...the ones you thought were your friends? Jesus the paranoia is killing me. Or who knows....maybe it's not paranoia :) Trust issues again. That ugly beast keeps raising its head.

Anyway I'm working on it. It won't be easy but I'm working on it.

Things are looking really different this year. I had a really tough spiritual battle earlier this week that really shook me up and made me realise what a dangerous path I was heading down. And for the sake of my spiritual and mental health I need to get moving and fast.

Enough rants from me. Time to be the change I want to see.