We're moving office today. Lol I'm not really big into moving...all the upheaval...feels like you're tearing up roots to a point. Human beings are so complex sometimes...saying complex is easier than saying we're contradictory.

See I like feeling rooted and stable and I hate the upheaval. However I do enjoy doing something new every now and then so...pretty strange that!

I noticed something over the past couple weeks and wow! it really shocked me. Someone I honestly thought I was close to has been quite the bitch to me and I'm trying to figure out why. All I know is that if I react in kind somehow I'll be blamed as being immature. 4 years of what has truly been a roller-coaster friendship is now evidently at an end and to be honest...it's a relief. At least now I know what they really think of me lol and I won't be making an ass of myself over them and the friendship again.

Today is my dad's birthday. He's 65 and blaming me for all this gray hairs LOL :)

I'm thankful. Thankful for my parents, my family and my true friends...as small a number as they may be.

I had a great weekend. Thanks Trace :)

Exes are exes for a reason.

Feelings of Inadequacy

You ever get the feeling that you're not enough? And you'll never, ever be enough? Why is it always someone else and never you? Why do others succeed and not you? Why do others get the props and not you? What makes you second-rate? Chopped liver? Destined to always ride in the backseat. And why is that that when you finally somehow think YES I've made it to at least the passenger seat, some random person always turns up and bold-facedly reminds you that y0u DON'T have a front-seat face and could you kindly take your place in the back or better yet exit the vehicle altogether?

How do you move past it? How do you say to yourself, "No you ARE better than that and you DESERVE this!". How do you say it and MEAN it? Being second-rate is a funny thing cus no matter what you do, you're always wrong. Take a back-seat because you know you don't belong. Feel bad about it. It's YOUR fault you're there isn't it? Why don't you take it upon yourself to make yourself seen and acknowledged.

Why? Because the inevitable slap down comes. And you're back to feeling sorry for yourself. And that is ALSO your fault because you have low self esteem. And it's funny how you can live with that for years, constantly trying to break out of it...trying to break out of being second-rate...but people...yeah the same people who never, EVER give you a break about anything...the ones who claim to be trying to help are the ones doing the most damage. But they'll never ever take responsibilty for it. Because it's YOUR problem. Not theirs. Cut those people out. You're labeled immature. Spoiltsport. Just because you didn't want to be second rate anymore.

I'd like to give the problem of being second-rate to something else because I've lived with it for far too long. Who the hell wants to be second-rate?