Single in Barbados

It's been an incredibly long time since I posted anything here...surprised myself when the blog actually came up. It LIVES! :)

As I sit here on April 6th, Good Friday 2012, I wonder to myself what in my life has changed...and what hasn't.

Sometimes I feel like a myriad of things have changed. I certainly work harder than I ever used to. I have a lot more interests. I've gained and lost friends - the lost ones always perplexed me because back then I could never have imagined life without them. But here I am, living with life without them and vice versa. So clearly the world does NOT end.

One thing that hasn't changed is my dumb luck with romantic relationships. I seem to have a knack for ending up in relationships with men who are content to let the woman do and be everything while they just...chill.

Just the other day...some guy I barely know suggested I come pick him up and we go to the movies. Now I am all for being a strong, independent woman. I live on my own, I pay my own bills, I buy my own groceries, I drive and maintain my car, I travel on my own dime...you get the idea. I am not saying that to boast...because to me it's no achievement. That's life. I expect that at this age that this is exactly what I should be doing. Taking care of myself. I have no issue with doing that. Relying on myself to do everything isn't always easy but at least I know I will get it done.

I do have issues with gender roles though. I believe a guy should pick up the girl on the first date. ESPECIALLY if you're the one suggesting we go out.

Do you know why he asked me to pick him up? Because he loaned his mother the car. Ok fine...that's cool. Now this was last week...does Mum still have the car? Nope. So then why haven't you offered to come pick ME up? Maybe I am asking for too much.

No...I don't think so.

This seems to be the general MO of men these days. See how much you can get out of her before she gets anything out of you. Perhaps this is payback for all the years women did this to men. Perhaps this is the punishment for being an "independent" female.

Well all I really am is a girl who could really use a guy who:

Has a job/career

Saves his money

Is kind and respectful to his mother (NOT a Momma's boy)

Is ambitious

Is respectful in general

Does not take advantage of my apparently too good nature by reciprocating or (shockingly) initiating

Is handsome (this matters ok? I don't want to wake up to an ugly mug for the rest of my life. I'm not saying I'm gorgeous to look at it but I am relatively good looking and so far I have had no complaints!)

And for the love of all things holy...from what I can tell...this type of man does NOT exist.

Well they exist but they're already married or in an otherwise committed relationship.

I'm 28 years old and disappointingly single. I've achieved a few things in life and I am very proud of them. But somehow...we are taught that we are never complete in this world until we find a mate. For a number of years this never bothered me. I went years without a guy showing any interest in me and it never phased me.

But now I'm older...and the only guys who seem to have an interest in me are the ones who want someone to take care of them while they just...do nothing. Because I guess I look like their mothers? Who knows.

Generally - the last set of single men out there seem to be a pretty lazy, overly entitled, uncaring bunch. I could be wrong...God I pray I am wrong...

I was saying to a gf the other day that I was genuinely worried that we were never going to find good men to settle down with...and she agreed. It's horrifying. It's upsetting. Especially when I see my friends all married or in happy relationships and all I can wonder is "What exactly did I do wrong here? Did I start dating too late? Do I just choose the wrong men? Am I just meant to be perpetually single? Should I be dating outside of Barbados?"

That last question...is a killer. It's a friggin cess pool around here. Everyone has dated everyone else, has slept with everyone else...whatever. It's almost incestuous at this point so why even try?

Because at the end of the day, if there's one thing we all dread it's ending up alone.

While I do dread that...I think I dread being my mate's surrogate mother for the rest of my life. That fear alone is enough to stop me from ever trying again. Especially when I consider that this is all men these days seem to want...with no inclination to return the favour.

Enduring for Someone Else

How many of us are willing to put aside our hurt pride simply because the person that hurt us or annoyed us...or we've had enough of...really really needed us?

Here's to New Experiences!

It's been a fun weekend of firsts for me.

Saturday was the first time I wore a dress to somewhere other than church...or graduation lol. It was also my first secular concert (as it were) I went to the Hal Linton showcase at Limelight with two really good friends and a bunch of acquaintances. Hal is an amazing performer! MAN can he belt out some vocals! The background singers were on pretty on point too. And the band....oh the band. With the right management Hal is sure to go far!

That said....I will never find myself going to Limelight again for any meal.

The service was horrible and the food was totally subpar. Imagine three of the people at our table ordered burgers only to hear "oh we're not serving burgers tonight." In other words...order big tonight you cheap bastards! You haven't a choice!"

So I ended up ordering two samosas that cost me $18 bucks. Le brr?

Add to the fact that the four of us swore we saw a lady at the table just behind us being served a burger.....come again? Fail.

ANYWHOOS. That was the worst thing about that night. The rest of the night was firsts all the way. I managed to finally "meet" someone who's turning out to a pretty fun dude. A breath of fresh air is the best way to describe him!

Today has also been a first! First day in our new office in Warrens and it's LOVELY. We're occupying two stories. Admin below, production, creative and media upstairs. And we've got a crate elevator. lol I've got to post pics of this. It's just too cute. My boss' fave colour is orange so it's every freakin where dread.

I'm slowing but surely getting used to it lol...

Anyways it's been a fun week for me. Here's hoping it lasts!

We're moving office today. Lol I'm not really big into moving...all the upheaval...feels like you're tearing up roots to a point. Human beings are so complex sometimes...saying complex is easier than saying we're contradictory.

See I like feeling rooted and stable and I hate the upheaval. However I do enjoy doing something new every now and then so...pretty strange that!

I noticed something over the past couple weeks and wow! it really shocked me. Someone I honestly thought I was close to has been quite the bitch to me and I'm trying to figure out why. All I know is that if I react in kind somehow I'll be blamed as being immature. 4 years of what has truly been a roller-coaster friendship is now evidently at an end and to be honest...it's a relief. At least now I know what they really think of me lol and I won't be making an ass of myself over them and the friendship again.

Today is my dad's birthday. He's 65 and blaming me for all this gray hairs LOL :)

I'm thankful. Thankful for my parents, my family and my true friends...as small a number as they may be.

I had a great weekend. Thanks Trace :)

Exes are exes for a reason.

Feelings of Inadequacy

You ever get the feeling that you're not enough? And you'll never, ever be enough? Why is it always someone else and never you? Why do others succeed and not you? Why do others get the props and not you? What makes you second-rate? Chopped liver? Destined to always ride in the backseat. And why is that that when you finally somehow think YES I've made it to at least the passenger seat, some random person always turns up and bold-facedly reminds you that y0u DON'T have a front-seat face and could you kindly take your place in the back or better yet exit the vehicle altogether?

How do you move past it? How do you say to yourself, "No you ARE better than that and you DESERVE this!". How do you say it and MEAN it? Being second-rate is a funny thing cus no matter what you do, you're always wrong. Take a back-seat because you know you don't belong. Feel bad about it. It's YOUR fault you're there isn't it? Why don't you take it upon yourself to make yourself seen and acknowledged.

Why? Because the inevitable slap down comes. And you're back to feeling sorry for yourself. And that is ALSO your fault because you have low self esteem. And it's funny how you can live with that for years, constantly trying to break out of it...trying to break out of being second-rate...but people...yeah the same people who never, EVER give you a break about anything...the ones who claim to be trying to help are the ones doing the most damage. But they'll never ever take responsibilty for it. Because it's YOUR problem. Not theirs. Cut those people out. You're labeled immature. Spoiltsport. Just because you didn't want to be second rate anymore.

I'd like to give the problem of being second-rate to something else because I've lived with it for far too long. Who the hell wants to be second-rate?

Oh piss it.

I'm in the most ridiculous mood today. I'm at work so I can't scream with fustration or cry as I would like. So instead I'm blogging.

It's just one of those days I hate being me. I feel ordinary. Unattractive. Miserable. Like Mr Cellophane. I'm UPSET!

And there's no one particular reason for this. It's a whole host of reason. Lately I've been feeling so down with everything that's been happening with everyone around me. I'm twitchy. Snappy. My good goes from happy ding dong to scraping the barrel bottom within seconds. Why am I feeling this way??

Why do ppl suck so immensely!?? Why am I so emotional???!! I feel like I felt at 19 when I was going through the worst period of my life. 4 years ago...the more things change the more they stay the same.

I'm wrecked. Drama queen? I feel to say to hell with people who are always so quick to label ppl like that. Prima donna even. Where are your friends when you need them. I need some fuel.

I'm so tired...so wasted. I just want to put my head down and sleep for the next week.

Why can no-one keep their promises....

Why can't I laugh anymore?