Who knew that being silent could kill you? Apparently that's the road I'm heading down. And I don't mean a physical death. I mean an emotional death. For years I've had my friends tell me that I need to talk about things that are bothering me.

I can't bring myself to do it.

I have a problem with sitting down face to face with someone or on the phone and telling them everything that upsets me. Simply because I feel like a prize idiot. Why the hell am I moaning and complaining when they are bigger issues on the earth? So what if I feel a million negative feelings or have a million negative thoughts? What concern is it of anyone other than me? Why should anyone else care? So what if I've battled with depression for everyday of my life since I was a teenager? WHO CARES???

So for all these years I've done the shut out thing. Yeah I'd come on here and blog from time to time about things that upset me. But I'd never call names, just situations and places. Quite frankly I don't like people prying in my business or wanting to talk. I prefer to listen. I listen pretty ok. But to take the plunge and admit to someone that I have things bothering me? Forget it. What business is it of yours anyway.....

Yesterday I felt like someone ripped out my insides. Someone I barely know sat me down and told me everything about myself I have tried so hard to hide. Do you have any idea what that's like? I think I'm a private person. At least I try to be. And yet here was this person just digging all up in business with tremendous accuracy. That scared me witless. I don't want anyone in my mind! Or privy to the things that bother me. It's MY problem so let ME deal with it.

But you know what? How I deal with anything that bothers me....I just cover it over. Time does NOT heal all wounds. It blankets them til you think maybe I've forgotten it but it just takes a little trigger amd the wounds open afresh.

I hate feeling vulnerable. With a passion. I hate feeling weak. And I hate people pitying me. That makes me a fairly hateful person doesn't it? :)

I got a shirt this weekend. It reads, "I'm Stabbing you with my mind." I laughed when I read it. But funnily enough it hits right home.

I'm closed off because I'm afraid of who I might become were I to just let go of the rein I have on my emotions.

And apparently...that's killing me.

The question is can I really just let go and be honest about the things that bother me. If you've spent all your life doing one thing and you're pretty good at it...how do you just decide to go in a completely different direction?